In the winter, I don't allow Mother Nature to dictate my social life. Blizzards have never kept me from The Awesomeness. So why would massive wind destruction be any different? It wouldn't. You bet.
***
Grabbing my bag, I tiptoed around the cubicles, listening for the voice of the office manager so I knew where not to walk. It was like Neo trying to get away from the dude in the suit in The Matrix, only without all the weird dialogue. Amazingly, I managed to make it to the door and out of the building. When I got outside, however, I saw something absolutely terrifying. The clouds to the northwest were 50 feet above the ground. I wish I'd taken a photo, because the sky was three shades of dark gray, with a darker region in the center funneling toward the ground. Unfortunately, my thoughts were occupied with wondering if I had a clean set of boxers in my car.
It was about this time that I had an internal monologue that I don't exactly remember, but it went something like, "Hey, get the hell back inside! You bet!" So I ran back into the building, and steadied myself for the safety lecture that I knew was coming from our office manager for sneaking out. I would take this lecture, because it was better than the certain death that awaited me if I tried to drive into the teeth of that storm.
Inside, there were only six people still around, as the rest of the office had apparently already bailed for the weekend earlier in the day. Those who were there were in the designated shelter, which is the mailroom.
I wasn't inside more than 30 seconds before all hell broke loose. It started with huge wind gusts, bending the giant trees in our parking lot at horrifying angles from one side to the other. Then the hail came, and it was blowing sideways, which I didn't think was possible. I know this because I stood by the giant floor to ceiling windows in our office lobby watching in awe, which is a really ridiculously stupid thing to do, I know. I got another lecture for being stupid (I prefer "curious"), and just as I moved towards the center of the building, a giant chunk of hail smashed into the window and water started coming into the lobby. Sweet. Good timing on my part.
Back in the mailroom, one of the guys asked me if there was any beer in the building. He made a lot of sense, asking "If we have to be trapped in this building, we might as well have a beer, right?" Absolutely. So we grabbed a beer and turned on the TV to see what was up. This is what guys do. Of course, moments later we heard a giant crack and the power went out. Bastards. The emergency generator kicked in three seconds later, just as its supposed to, but it unfortunately does not power the breakroom -- and thus, not the TV. At least we still had beer and radio. And chips. Beer, chips and radio. Things were looking up.
The women in the office were incredulous. "How can you drink beer when we might be seconds from death?"
There's only one response to that silliness. "I'm sorry, that's precisely WHY I have a beer." And then I started humming the melody to "In Heaven There Is No Beer", because I knew it would press their buttons. Which it did...
Meanwhile outside, 100 MPH wind gusts were bringing destruction to everything. I was pretty sure that my car was destroyed, a humbling realization. I wondered how my house was fairing. And perhaps most pressing, I wondered whether my date that evening would be canceled. I tried to call her, but my phone was unable to connect -- despite showing full signal.
***
Just as quickly as it had hit, the storm blew over, and I jetted from the building, not telling anyone because I didn't want the office manager to try to keep me from leaving. My car, surprisingly, was completely caked in mud and seemingly not exactly where I'd parked it, but it was completely free of hail damage. As EMF would sing, Unbelievable.
My 10 minute commute became 58 minutes because there were giant trees blocking most roads, and just about all the stop lights were out. Fun stuff. And of course, my cell phone still wasn't working. This led to a hilarious series of voice mails that me and my date left for each other, because both of us were stuck in traffic, and neither of us could get through to the other. She could make calls but not receive them; I could receive calls but not make them. You can't make this stuff up.
What would the damage be on my street? I could only imagine. But based on the massive trees that were strewn about like toothpicks, I was pretty worried. When I got home, it was about as I figured. The fence that surrounds my neighborhood was flattened. There was three inches of hail drifted like snow against my garage door. My garden was decimated. The top of the tree in my backyard was missing. My grill was laying sideways in my yard, instead of on my deck, and was flanked by my table and chairs. The screens on my windows were ripped and torn, dangling perilously from the window frames. So, you know, good times.
Somehow, my block had power -- one of the only blocks for a sixty-block radius that was so lucky. Awesome.
The rest of the city was not so lucky, as I soon discovered. My date's apartment was without power, which actually made the decision to go out easier -- what the heck else would you do? Sit in the dark? You bet. Her neighborhood was decimated, with a 75-foot tree uprooted across the street -- the entire root system was exposed, ripping up most of the yard. The street itself was caked in two inches of mud, which made it like driving on ice. In other words, not so bad as long as you don't need to stop or turn...
As I've often said during winter storms, Mother Nature does not control my life. Blizzards, tornados, whatever. F that. As my date said, "Viva La Vida". I have no idea what that means but it sounds cool. You bet.
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