I'm a pizza snob. I make no apologies for this. I was talking to Megan late last week, and the subject of pizza came up, specifically how a certain arena and convention center in Council Bluffs had charged us $25 a pie at a recent graphic design event.
At the time, I couldn't remember the exact amount. "I can't remember how much they ended up charging us for those pizzas, but I know that I haven't done math with numbers that big since like 11th grade!"
Even Old Chicago, which has the most expensive pizza in town, is cheaper than that. And if I do say so my damn self, The OC is around, on average, 153.5% tastier.
This was the line, nay the fact, that precipitated my being accused of being a pizza snob. She coined the term, accused me in jest of being it, and then watched with much laughter as I attempted to defend myself out of that box.
Now, my memory of that magical $25 pizza is clouded by the sight of of three leftover, moldy pieces in my fridge a couple of weeks after the event. I'd brought home many slices of that abhorrent 'za, and eaten most of them. Save for three. And they wound up as part of my regular series of scientific experiments that I involuntarily conduct on irregular intervals.
I don't care if those things cost $25 or $50, that 'za was not good. It was dry, the cheese was rubbery and the crust was like warm corrugate. If that makes me a pizza snob, so be it!
"There is nothing wrong with being a pizza snob," she assured me. "You pizza snob!"
Hey, I'm a connoisseur, what can I say? A regular renaissance pizza man. Which, as I'm reminded, is nothing but a fluffy way of saying "snob". Nice, isn't it? I'm actually quite proud of that little verbiage.
Although if I keep using the word connoisseur, I will probably need to grow a pencil mustache and wear a beret. Those are great accessory items, no doubt, but I think I'll stick with being called a snob. On second thought, the wardrobe choices are really unlimited when you're a snob. Because if anyone gives you guff over your choices, you can snob them off.
Whoa, I just used snob as a verb.
Now I'm not a snob, I'm just a dork.
But, I'd officially weaved my way out of being a pizza snob, by coming up with a better phrase. As Megan put it, "I like snob as a verb! Its kinda fun to say!" You bet it is. Now if only I'd trademarked snob as a verb...then I could totally snob off anyone who tries to use it as such!