Gag Christmas Gifts, Year VII
"Ninjas. Shadow men with ice water in their veins and death at their fingertips, elusive assassins who fill the midnight world with the whispery footprints of vengeance. These are their stories."
That's good writing, isn't it? Its from the back of a value DVD from the Dollar Aisle at Super Target, which is pretty much the best place ever. Usually DVDs from the dollar bin are poorly produced crap, with badly designed artwork and broken english text. Surprisingly, while the front cover of this one the usual crap, the back is cleanly designed (using Helvetica!) and the writer had what appears to be at least a 12th grade grasp of english, which is at least three and quite possibly even four years more than most discount DVDs.
"The Master" is the latest in a long line of gag Christmas gifts exchanged between by brother and I. Its hard to go wrong with picking out the worst DVD from the bargain bin. When its two episodes of a short-lived TV show from the heydey of bad dramatic television -- the 1970s -- and it stars Lee Van Cleef, well, its Awesome, even when its trying ever so hard not to be.
"Starring Lee Van Cleef as John McAllister, one of the few westerners welcomed into this bloody underworld of righteous reckoning, The Master is filled with enough breathless martial arts action to captivate even the fiercest of video warriors."
Video warriors? Righteous reckoning? Wow. Just...wow.
But of course, this being 1970s dramatic television, even great copywriting can't disguise bad plots. Check out this recap of Episode One from the back of the package:
"When a poor band of farmers find themselves facing the strong-arm tactics of a greedy, corrupt trucking firm whose illegal roadblocks are preventing them from taking their produce to market, they turn to the only man who could possibly help them -- a man skilled in violent retribution. A man called...The Master."
Sounds not at all like 20 other series you've seen in basic cable repeats. Oh, wait, it does. What about Episode Two...surely, its original!
"When a band of dirty cops pull off a string of daring robberies, it's up to the Master and his young student Max to bring them to justice. But will even deadly ninja skills be enough when it comes time to confront this group of armed rogues?"
Ummm...err...ahhh...so I also got him a DVD called "Puppies, Kittens & More!" which is part of the "Moods of Nature" series, whatever that is. This is every bit the poorly designed, cheesy production that you expect to find in the dollar aisle. Gratuitous gradient box that's almost too small for the text it contains, off-centered headline in a barely readable font, drop-shadowed Times New Roman...its got it all.
"BONUS: Complete Moods of Nature soundtrack included in MP3 format"!
Yay! I was hoping to be able to recreate the moods of nature on-the-go! And there's MP3s on the disc, which I totally can't play in any of my CD players. You know, because its a DVD.
Incidentally, here's how the DVD describes itself. Get a spoon ready to gag yourself with...are you ready? Because I don't think you are. Get the spoon ready...
"An adorable assortment of floppy-eared puppies and cuddly kittens are gathered here in all their playful, frolicking glory. Enjoy a host of delightful baby animals, including waddling ducklings, gamboling foals, snuggling kangaroos, mischievous baboons, and many more darling fur balls all set to upbeat melodies. This DVD is a sunny, cheerful look at the joys that our animals friends bring into our lives."
Frolicking glory? Gamboling foals? Mischievous baboons? Wait, this was written by the same person who described The Master! I'm not sure whether to be upset that neither of these DVDs has the gratuitous tell-tale broken english or sloppy editing that generally make bargain DVDs such a joy to make fun of...
Wait, what's this...
"This DVD is a sunny, cheerful look at the joys that our animals friends bring into our lives."
Ahahahahahaha! A typo! Finally! Animals shouldn't be plural there! Not to be elitist, or egotistical, or to have an air of superiority, but I was waiting for that. Sorry for the outburst.
Oh, and by the way, there is a third piece to this gift package, and its one that makes this Showcase Showdown prize package a real winner. An 18-month calendar themed "Sweet Peas & Sugar Bears". Its all photos of babies in diapers playing with puppies. You bet.
Total cost of this Showcase Showdown, $3.18! You bet.
By the way, in case you're thinking I'm being a tad on the mean side to my brother, may I kindly <a href="http://www.polyfro.com/2006/12/bod-man.html">remind you what he purchased for me a year ago.</a>
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