Feeling Better By Laughing At Incredible Dopes
There was a time in our volleyball league -- all of the last six years, actually -- that you would plays 9 weeks, and the tenth week was a BCS-style one game playoff. 1 v 2, 3 v 4, etc. So the only games that really meant anything that night were 1 v 2. But at least we all got to play.
This session, they implemented a playoff system. Everyone plays 10 weeks, and then two weeks of playoffs to determine a champion. And for the first time since high school, I experienced first-hand what its like to be left out. For years, I've watched as college and pro teams I follow would miss the playoffs, or bowls, or tournaments. And its sucks, but there's always another sport, another team, to follow.
Being part of it, I had forgotten how crushing it is. When we walked off the court last night, it hit me that we won't play again for three months. That's a helluva long time, man.
The fact that we phoned in all three games and lost big didn't help. Nothing to play for except personal fitness and fun -- what the hell is the point of that? If games were meant to be played for fun, they wouldn't keep score.
So afterwards, I made myself feel better by watching a bunch of losers on American Idol. The best four nights on television, as ESPN's Tony Kornheiser said yesterday -- watching a bunch of incredible dopes make fools of themselves in vain attempts at stardom. I've always seen the commercials -- FOX blankets their NFL games with them -- and always kinda figured the snippets they show were enough. Those 60-second spots featuring the WORST were hilarious, but the actual show couldn't offer anything better than that, so why watch?
Last night I had to drop off free tickets to my brother for the Creighton - Bradley game tonight (Season Ticket Appreciation night, I got two bad-seat tix in the mail), and when I got there they were watching American Idol. Some comedy highlights:
- Dude in a Statue of Liberty costume singing New York, New York getting stopped two words in
- Guy in authentic tribal wear, including hat with single large pink feather, singing a real ethnic song that was intelligible
- Overly-suntan girl thinking she was Christina Aguilera, and Simon Cowell making fun of her too-dark tan...and then bringing in her mom to chastise her for allowing this, only to discover the mom was even creepier on the suntan scale, not to mention she had three cheeks (You can't make this up)
- Overly-chatty girl talking about how she used to show cows at the fair, and after singing, having Simon Cowell tell her she should have brought along the cow
- Guy singing some song very effemiCliffly, and Simon Cowell telling him he should wear a dress, because he just did a great impression of a woman
Incidentally, what the hell is the fascination with Lady Marmalade? It was a decent funk song when Patti LaBelle recorded it in the 1970s, and an annoying radio staple when Aguilera, Pink and others tried to remake it. So many people butchered the song last night that FOX actually did a montage of bad singers doing the song. Including one black guy in pigtails and a farm-girl dress.
But the topper was a chick from the Ukraine who sang the chorus to Bohemian Rhapsody. Over and over. With the wrong words. In a thick accent. While rolling and dancing provocatively on the floor. My brother and I turned to each other and he said:
"The Ukraine is weak!" and I answered "The Ukraine is not weak! I am from Ukraine!" in a thick accent. His wife rolled her eyes, not getting the joke. Its from that Seinfeld episode where Kramer and Newman are playing Risk, and they don't trust each other to guard the board during breaks in play so they take it on the subway. And as Kramer goes to take the Ukraine from Newman, he makes that statement in earshot of a guy who's actually from the Ukraine who proceeds to slam his fist into the Risk board, scattering their pieces everywhere...
This was the first time I have ever watched the show. Ever. And I gotta tell you, the commercials don't do it justice. So much funnier, hilariously so, when you watch the full show.
I'm not saying I'm going to watch it again. But I am saying my TiVo is set to record all future episodes. Some night after the bars, in a weak moment, it might be funny.
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