Sunday night after I got back into town from KC, I stopped off at the ol' SuperTarget to pick up a few things. I grabbed a cart because I've made the mistake before of trying to carry everything, with disastrous results.
The cart I grabbed was one of those ones with the bum wheel. I half expected an aged wise knight to be standing there saying, "You have chosen poorly." like when whats-her-name choose the false grail in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. I chose false cart. Or something.
Anyway, this thing was Awesome Infinity. Possessing Infinite Awesomeness. I didn't have a decibel meter handy -- I'd left my travel size meter in The Colorado, in an unfortunate oversight -- but I'd bet a bridge I don't even own that the cart was 80, 90 decibels. This thing was LOUD. So loud that even spelling the word LOUD to describe it, I have to CAPITALIZE it just to attempt in vain to convey some semblance of the majestic loudness of that cart.
I rather enjoyed it, as you can well imagine. Anything to draw attention to myself is hilarious. I really only needed a few things, but pushing that cart around and watching the facial expressions of people passing me in the aisles, their faces distorted in a very real horror, was just fantastic. Mothers covered their babies ears. Fathers grabbed their sons and ran for cover. The guys envied me. The girls didn't know quite what to think. But then, they never quite do know what to think of me, since I have such Awesome Infinity.
Up and down, one aisle after another, pretending to peruse the merchandise when really I was just being ornery and enjoying myself. For ten minutes this went on, and when I got to the back of the store, I lost it. Just started laughing hysterically, like a maniacal chimpanzee dressed as The Joker who had just robbed the Jungle Bank of all its bananas.
After wiping away the tears, I pressed on. There was a whole other half of the store to disturb.
Near the housewares, which if you're at all familiar with SuperTarget on 129th and Maple in Omaha is in the middle of the back aisle, I was intercepted by two employees. Seems they were sufficiently disturbed by the noise to go all the way up front and fetch me a replacement cart. It was really driving them nuts, and I could tell from the steely look in their pupils that I would have to take the new cart or risk being torn apart limb by limb, followed by my torso being beaten with my own limbs while I reached in vain for the red courtesy phone, only to realize that without any limbs I can't dial for help. So of course I declined.
And made a break for it. To be fair, I told them rather politely in a Belvederian tone that I the shareholders (namely, myself) would not stand for me spending 30 seconds to move my Watermelon Scented Liquid Hand Soap Refill, toothpaste and Dannon Frusion Smoothees into a new cart. And then I pressed on.
Then I proceeded to push the cart to the other side of the store, behind the DVD's in the back of the electronics department. Picked up the soap, t-paste and smoothee-sixpack, and left the cart for dead. Checked out and went home. Good times.