First things first. If I ever come across the punk kid that wrote the Trojan Horse that spelled the ruin of my computer at work, I will beat you. At a game of Scrabble. Or Chutes & Ladders. Or Connect Four. All I know for sure is, I will beat you.
For those of us in the know, Trojan Horses were invented by King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table. In the olde times, they once came across a vile and foul-mouthed gang of obnoxious French types in a castle, who not only refused to assist them in their quest for the Holy Grail, they mocked them by telling the Knights that they already had a grail. So King Arthur and his Knights constructed a giant Trojan Horse shaped like a giant bunny, and pushed it up to the door of the castle. You know the rest.
In these more moderne times, punk asses, social miscreants, computer hackers, and Charles In Charge fans are faced with a similar quandary. King Dorkface and his Knights of the Lunchroom Table, you see, cannot stand that society has cast them out as the puke stains that they are. So King Dorkface programmed a rogue Trojan Horse in the form of a computer file, and sent it around the internet. Again, you know the rest.
I was the recipient of one of these Trojan Horses at work. It bored itself into my system files, and slowly replicated itself into damn near every essential system component until the machine would no longer run. It destroyed my computer to the point that it took two technicians EIGHT HOURS to fix it.
I should note at this point that it was a Windows machine. My Mac was working the whole time. Of course. Because Macs are better. I hear you laughing. But listen up, fool. Here's the straight dope, and I'm only gonna tell you once, so bookmark this page, or better yet, print it out so when you stupid Windows machine crashes, you can still refer back to it and remember that I was right.
1) I do not have Virus software on my Mac. Don't need it. Viruses are for pussies. And Windows.
2) I do not have Anti-Spyware programs. Don't need them. Spyware is impossible to sneak onto a Mac, because underneath its awesomeness is Linux. Ever try installing something on Linux without the Administrator password? You bet. Only I have that shit, and you gotta get through me to install anything on my Mac. I dare you to try it, punk ass.
3) I haven't restarted my Mac in a month. Don't need to. Unlike crappy Windows boxes that are so inefficient they slowly lose memory resources as you work on them -- my Windows box at work is so slow by lunch that its unbearable -- the Linux core that comprises the Mac OS is rock solid and doesn't steal system memory.
4) I run all the same programs as you do on Windows, only mine run better. Microsoft Office, Firefox, LimeWire, iTunes, Photoshop, InDesign, you name it. And once Macs are running on Intel Pentium Processors by the end of 2006, check this shit out: you will be able to launch any Windows program simply by double-clicking it, and it will run just as fast as it does on your crappy Windows box. And it probably won't crash eight times a day.
5) You suck.
I better not run into you, punk ass kid who wrote that Trojan Horse. I will give you the wedgie of your life. And then force you to tour the country as a traveling Barrie Cunningham impersonator. That's right, you will tour the countryside impersonating the world's greatest Neil Diamond impersonator. It will be hell for you. So pray to whatever Demon you worship that I never find you.