So I'm on my afternoon off, sitting shirtless out on my deck showing off my sexy abs of aluminum, listening to the iPod and enjoying the sunshine, when one of the greatest songs ever written by mankind came on. Of course the song of which I speak is "Smuggler's Blues" by Glenn Frey. From Miami Vice. Its just so freaking great. I mean, every time I hear it I just have to sing along. Even when I'm on my deck, with headphones in.
So there I am, sitting on my deck, margarita in hand, singing "The sailors and the pilots, the soldiers and the law, the payoffs and the ripoffs and the things nobody saw. Don't matter if it's heroin, cocaine or hash, you've got to carry weapons 'cause you always carry cash. There's lots of shady characters and lots of dirty deals, every name's an alias in case somebody squeals. It's the lure of easy money, it's got a very strong appeal, you'd understand it better standing in my shoes. It's the ultimate enticement, it's the smugglers' blues" and for some odd reason, the old retired lady that lives in the house behind me gave me this look of bewilderment. Like Voyager II had crossed so far across the universe that it came back to earth from behind and crashed on her deck or something.
Actually, the next ten minutes were even better. The next song that came on was one of my very favorite songs that nobody's ever heard but me and like 6 other people. "Harley David (Son of a Bitch)" by the Bollock Brothers -- having that song on my iPod AND knowing all the lyrics probably qualifies me for some kind of obscure pop song hall of fame. Once again, old lady watching me or no, I had to sing.
"Harley...David...Son of a bitch! I like the girls that got big tits! Harley...David...Son of a bitch! Get on my Harley...you dumb bitch! James Dean rode his Harley right into a ditch! Harley...David...Son of a bitch! Elvis Presley rode his Harley smokin' lots of shit! Before he died it was Jim Morrison's last wish! Harley...David...Son of a bitch! Marlon Brando rode his Harley, that wild son of a bitch! Son...son...son...son of a bitch!"
And so on. I don't know why they never played that song on the radio. Came out in the late '80s, I can remember being about 10 when I first heard it so that means it has to be about 1988 or maybe 1989. From their album "The Prophecies of Nostradamus" which had a really cool album cover with The Nos shooting lazor beems out of his eye sockets. Here, I'll scan it in and show you (since I can't for the life of me find ANYTHING on them on the internet):
So by this point the old lady across my backyard is really quite disturbed. I won't even tell you what happened next.
OK, maybe I will. Cake's version of the disco standard "I Will Survive". Enough said.
The stripped-down acoustic awesomeness is quite stunning. From their Fashion Nugget album. I'm singing along, wagging my finger, lost in the moment. Yep, I'm an idiot.
Lady (You Bring Me Up) by Lionel Richie and The Commodores. Who put this on my iPod? Seriously? This is the meanest trick ever. At least I don't know the lyrics to this one so I wasn't tempted to sing along. Even if I did, I was laughing too hard at the memory of the cheesy video for the song, with Lionel and the boys playing soccer against a team of ladies, with Lionel as the goaltender. Good lord. I know too much. I should just die out here in the sun and spare the world from getting this kind of knowledge out of the netherregions of my mind.
And here's the funny part! I almost got my wish! I had a couple of margaritas and then fell asleep outside. For about two hours. Apparently I was tired. And that photo at the top of this post? That's me now! All red and stuff. I mean, I don't know how those horns grew or where that massive Jay Leno chin came from. But the skin, I know where that's from...the Sun!
Actually, that's a photo from the horrible, terrible no good very bad movie "Legend" from 1985 starring Tom Cruise and Ferris Bueller's girlfriend. The best movie about unicorns ever! That's not saying much considering its main competition is 1982's "The Last Unicorn". The only thing that movie had going for it was Jeff Bridges as the voice of Prince Lir. (Hold it, why do I know that? Good lord.) Legend is better, but only slightly.
I don't look that bad. But I am pretty red. Hell of a way to spend a day off. Creeping out my neighbors by singing 80s tunes, getting sunburned. At least the drinks were tasty. And I was getting paid the whole time. So its all good.
Now, go out and find a copy of Harley David and enjoy it, watch Legend and hate it, and then you might be on your way to being as cool as me. You bet.
Stay out of the sun without wearing sunscreen. Your Friend, Tom.
(Sorry, I borrowed that last line from Ozzie Canseco. Check out the eBay auction for his 1990 ALCS Ring. Be sure to read the questions. Every answer is signed "Your Friend Ozzie". Cracks me up. I like Ozzie Canseco. I do. He's like Jeremy Giambi except he would have slid into home in Game Three against the Yankees if he had the chance.)