You're imagining things if you think there was something else here earlier. There was not another post, one that was deleted. Take your medication. You are hallucinating. Good lord.
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The thought had occurred to me that not everyone who reads this site cares about sports like I do. So maybe I'll write about my personal life here. Its certainly funnier, more interesting, to some folks. But after giving it some thought, and on the advice of a trusted confidant, you get this blathering article about baseball and how my Twins are going to kick everyone's asses instead. It is written with tongue firmly in cheek, so keep that in mind before you think I'm ass viewing the world through rose-colored glasses. Enjoy.
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Its opening day, which means its only 162 games away from the Twins starting their majestic trek through October to the Championship. Since the AL Central is obviously the best division is all of the land, mainly because the Twins call it home, this preview will only detail the four teams who will be beaten by a certain team from a certain upper midwestern town known simply as The Twins. All other teams are simply playing for the right to experience such greatness in person. Consider yourselves lucky, other four teams of the central. You haven't been this close to true greatness since that time the Elvis impostor sang the national anthem at your game last May.
In order of awesomeness or suckitude:
1. The Twins.
Minnesota won 90 some odd games last year, won their division handily, and should have beat the fucking Yankees in the playoffs. They have won the division three years straight. Only six teams EVER have won a division four straight times. The Twins will make it seven. I will give you the finger if they don't. Note I didn't say my finger, as in you can chop off my finger and make chili out of the meat, but I said the finger, as in I will flip you off. There's a difference, however subtle.
The pitching staff was #1 in the league statistically, and every single arm returns. Including Cy Young winner Johan Santana, who will continue to make all who dare face him into tiny little bitches. He is clearly the greatest pitcher who has ever lived. Brad Radke is good too. Don't mistake his surly demeanor for actual emotion though. That's his trick, he gets you to think he's pissy, so you feel sorry for him like his dog died or something, and then he strikes your girly ass out. Carlos The Chief Silva quite possibly the greatest obese pitcher since Sid Fernandez. Not David Wells, cos that guy is so fat, there needs to be a better word for fat. Mister Silva just kicks ass and makes you wish he was thinner so it didn't hurt so much. Then there's Kyle Lohse, who has great stuff but is a head case. As in, he might strike your ass out, and he might shoot you with a bow and arrow. He's half Native American, you know. You took his ancestor's land, now he strikes you out. Seems about right. And finally you have Joe The Thief Mays, who has collected over 20 billion dollars over the last three years to do nothing but bitch about being hurt. Now he's back, and he's really pissed off. Watch out, or he'll not only strike you out, he'll step on your throat with his cleats. Ouch!
The bullpen is also great. There's Joe Nathan, who will continue striking people out and kicking their little pansy asses back to the dugout. Juan Rincon will pitch real well again, and ladies will want to be in his pants again.
(Editor's Note: "I'm sure no one wants to be in my pants right now." Juan to the media, after blowing a lead in Game Four of the playoffs against the Yankees.)
Jessie Crain will make people forget Rick Springfield with his fastball. Terry Mulholland will use his old man smarts to convince hitters that grounding out is better than getting a hit. Aussie Grant Balfour will use an assortment of dingos, kangaroos and aboriginal war chants to beat batters into submission. And if that fails, he'll use that thumb-and-finger trick that his friend Rick Dundee taught him to hypnotize the batters into falling over. There's also a couple other guys down there, I don't know their names yet, but I'm sure they're great. You will know them by the trail of dead.
Offensively, it starts with Shannon Stewart. This guy's gone through life with a woman's name, so you know he's tough. He'll get on base a lot and then laugh at you until you get rattled and groove a pitch for the batter. Jason Bartlett is a kid but he already plays a better shortstop than Derek Jeter. That's not saying much considering how much Jeter sucks, but still. Then there is Joe Mauer, who will be the Game's Greatest Player by years end. He will hit so many doubles that the Elias Sports Bureau, official stat keeper of MLB, will officially change the name doubles to mauers.
Hitting cleanup is Justin "The Island Of Dr." Morneau. He's Canadian so you know he's good. Plus after Cleveland's CC Sabathia got dirty and intentionally beaned him last year, he's really steamed. Fifth is Torii Hunter. Spiderman. He steals home runs from over the fence. Maybe you saw it, he's in a Nike commercial. So you know he's good. Them boys at Nike is smart. Sixth is Jacque Jones. He belies his French name by actually picking fights, and then having the dukes to win. Watch out for his smile. Its right after the toothy grin that he's most deadly.
Seventh is Michael Cuddyer, who really should play for Boston, only because his name sounds really cool when pronounced with a Boston accent. Michahyl Cuddayahhh. Plus he's really good. Eighth is Matthew Le Croy. You know your team is stacked when a big ol' country tree chopper is your #8 guy. He eats lots of gross stuff, being from the south, but he's real good. And ninth is Luis Rivas, who sucks. I hate Luis Rivas. I hope Luis Rivas chokes on some nacho cheese sauce. I hope they find a severed toe in that nacho cheese sauce after he chokes it up. I hope he gets traded to Tampa Bay.
On the bench you have lots more awesomeness. But they'll never play because the starters are so great.
Manager Ron Gardenhire is hilarious. Not the greatest tacitcian, nor manager of a bullpen, but he's funny. Gardy is cool.
2. Cleveland Indians
C.C. Sabathia needs to lose like 18 pants sizes. He could be decent if his giant ass didn't obstruct wind currents on the mound.
3. Detroit Tigers
Magglio Ordonez has worse knees than O.J. Simpson. I give him three years before he's doing Hertz ads, working the analyst job for Fox Saturday Baseball, and killing people.
4. Chicago White Sox
Paul Konerko, batty after years of Frank Thomas' bitching and Ozzie Guillen's Motivational Spanglish, will snap and stab someone in the shower in the left field concourse. They will make it into a movie. It will star Steve Lyons as Paul Konerko.
5. Kansas City Royals
That water fountain out in the outfield is a great place for hiding corpses. Unfortunately, there's so many stiffs on this team it would get full pretty quick.
The playoffs, or Tournment of Teams Who Should Be So Lucky As To Get Their Asses Kicked With Their Own Steel Lunchpail All Year Long:
ALDS:
The Twins over Boston (AL Least Champ)
Anaheim (AL Worst Champ) over New York (Wild Card)
ALCS:
The Twins over Anaheim
World Series:
The Twins over San Francisco
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And it'll be freaking great. Bitches. Game one of 162 tonight. My apologies to all the people of Seattle. But honestly, isn't Jamie Moyer like 90? I mean, President Coolidge threw out the first ball in his rookie year!
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