Omaha is in the midst of an epic snowstorm. We're talking 12 to 15 inches here people. That's a lot of white powder. Seems to me the more effecient manner of snow removal would be to pretend its 1985, and invite Crockett & Tubbs to come to town. I think they'd come. We'll put "Livin' The Book Of My Life" (Philip Michael Thomas' album from the mid-80s) and "Heartbeat" (Don Johnson's album) in the CD changer, and hot damn, Ricardo Tubbs and Sonny Crockett will be there. The pastel of their clothes will melt the snow away. Of course the gel from their hair will pollute our ground water and poison our children, but I never said there wouldn't be side effects.
Now starring in the Las Vegas celebrity impersonation show as Smokey Robinson, its Tubbs!
The 4x4 got me into the office by 7:15 this morning, no problem. I always get a kick out of people driving in the snow. It seems to me there are four distinct types of snow drivers. I will present them now in something I like to call The Pyramid Of Snow Drivers:
Level One: The sane driver, letting conditions and traffic dictate speed and pace
You either get it or you don't: driving in the winter is not hard. You just have to go a little slower, and respect the road and everything on it, and you'll arrive OK. Winter does not stop these people from living their lives. This is where most of the driving public falls. Their interaction with the next three groups is where trouble comes in.
Level Two: The guy in the Yugo driving too slow
We've all got pissed at this guy. He's the one driving the ultra compact, going entirely too slow. Now, there's nothing wrong with taking it easy. But you have to keep your wheels going somewhat, or you get stuck. There's a happy medium -- too slow, and the snow/ice will take you where it wants you to go, and you're stuck; too fast, and you can't react to the changes in snow/ice, and you get stuck -- finding that happy medium is something you get from practice. Or from growing up in northern Iowa like me, and dealing with 10-15 inches of snow pretty much constantly for 3 months out of the year.
But the guy in the Yugo -- the car imported from Yugoslavia, back when they were still part of Communist Soviet Union, the car Consumer Reports called "the worst vehicle we've ever reviewed, and its not even particularly close" -- this guy thinks if he goes 5 mph, he'll be OK. Of course, inevitibly he gets to a hill, his wheels spin out of control, and he's in the ditch, and I'm laughing at him, his fingers and toes start to tingle before freezing and being amputated, and he ends up on the Today show telling Matt Lauer how the cold was so tough to bear. Guess what, hondo, drive a little smarter next time and you wouldn't have to change your padlock combination. (Because it was set to 2-10-10 -- eyes-fingers-toes. Now its 2-6-0. Tis a shame)
Level Three: The guy in the 4x4 who thinks he's invincible
This is the guy driving the SUV or Pickup with four wheel drive, and he goes Super Mario after eating a glowing star -- I'm invincible! Turtles, time to die! Mushrooms, go away! Guy in Yugo, outta my way! Big Rig, you too!
And just like Super Mario, he gets going too fast trying to get to the end before the star is used up, and he falls into a ditch and dies. And I'm laughing at him as his charred remains get carted away in an ambulance.
Level Four: The person too scared to drive
This is really the most pathetic person ever. They're so petrified of driving in snow that they stay home for three months. I'm not even going to waste my time talking about these folks. But we all know them, don't we? Good lord.
Level Five: The person who enjoys snow and everything about it
This is the perky person who goes all apeshit on the happy whenever snow falls. These people give themselves away with some telltale phrases:
"I just love the snow. Its so refreshing."
"Snow is nature's cleanser. I love it."
"Lets go make snow angels and stick our tongues out to catch snow flakes!"
You bet. Level fivers, just be happy I let you read my blog so you can know how stupid you are.
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And yes, I hate stupid drivers, particularly in the winter. Darwin, can you help me out here? Can a brother get a hand?
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I'm trying my best not to move to Level Three, though the 4x4 is like a siren song, its like forbidden fruit, like a poison potion -- you know you shouldn't do it, but its so tempting! Damn!
Will I be heady enough to keep my wits about me? If I write a story later about my adventures in the ditch, you'll know I've succumbed to the pressure. But don't hold your breath. I'm like ox, so strong am I. English first language my not it is, pressure make Swahili language native mine.
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