Twenty years ago, radio stations across America banded together and played "We Are The World" at 12 noon. Twenty gosh damn years. Good lord. I know this not because I'm that smart, but because the DJ on the XM 80's channel told me so this morning during my morning commute. This was of course followed by them playing the song.
Now, normally I sing along with the radio. Its like my personal concert hall. If I'm feeling particularly ornery, I'll even mimic the original singer. Due to my double feature movie night last night, where I made a meat & cheese tray for myself to consume while I watched "Dodgeball" and "A Mighty Wind", I was feeling extradinarily ornery. So in the span of 4 minutes, I sang poorly in a vain attempt to mimic no less than 25 performers.
Here's my tips on how to do a bad but funny singing impersonation of the USA For Africa performers, based on 20 years of butchering, hemming and hawing:
There comes a time when we heed a certain call (Lionel Richie)
Sing normally, with just a hint of sexuality. Also helps to imagine yourself with a jheri curl mullet. If you need further assistance to get the feel for the character, imagine a talentless blind sculptor is feeling your face as she sculpts a bust of your head, which will ultimately look nothing like you.
When the world must come together as one (Lionel Richie & Stevie Wonder)
OK, take that, Combine that with Stevie. See below
There are people dying (Stevie Wonder)
Close your eyes, sway your head side to side, clap your hands, and sing. Dangerous when driving, I know, but it bloody works. Trust me. God's not going to allow you to crash while you're channeling the spirit of Stevie.
Oh, and it's time to lend a hand to life (Paul Simon)
Go back to the time when you were most tired and lacking of energy. Sing. Ipso Facto, you're Paul Simon. To come back from that downer, remember the You Can Call Me Al video with Robin Williams and Chevy Chase. There, that's better. You're a good man, Paul Simon.
The greatest gift of all (Paul Simon/Kenny Rogers)
Grow a giant white beard, eat lots of Kenny Rogers fried chicken, and you will be Kenny. Combine that with the low-energy thing -- no easy task -- and you've got this one down.
We can't go on pretending day by day (Kenny Rogers)
Imagine you're The fucking Gambler. You're so cool, you don't even know it. Plus you've got a bitchin' white beard. Sing.
That someone, somehow will soon make a change (James Ingram)
You're a soulful man. Pretend you are. For just one moment. Do it. Sing. And you're James. You bet. (I'm stretching here, I don't really listen to much James Ingram. Sorry.)
We're all a part of God's great big family (Tina Turner)
You carried one of biggest pop bands of the 70s, your talentless ass clown husband beat you, your hair looks like a microwave experiment on hair follicles gone bad, and you have sexy legs. Strain your face to channel that pain and exuberant sexyness together, and sing. Whammy! You're Tina.
And the truth (Billy Joel)
I can't believe he only got three words. Don't crash your car into anything while you do this one. That would too literal of an impression.
You know love is all we need (Tina Turner/Billy Joel)
Combine the not crashing with the sexy strained vocals from before, and you've got it.
( CHORUS )
We are the world, we are the children
Attempt to re-create the sound of 41 people. If you really try, I know you can do it. Just haphazardly combine lots of the impressions I taught you above.
We are the ones who make a brighter day so let's start giving (Michael Jackson)
Cheap shots aside, we all know how to do The Jacko. Pretend you're a little effeminant, sing as high pitched as you can, and you're money. Mike Tyson without the lisp, essentially.
There's a choice we're making we're saving our own lives (Diana Ross)
You're the original diva. You're really pissed you only got one line. And you're wearing an oversized USA For Africa sweatshirt. Got that? Good. Sing.
It's true we'll make a better day just you and me (Michael Jackson/Diana Ross)
Can't screw this one up. They sound identical -- just sing in a higher, feminine tone, and go with it.
Well, send'em you your heart so they know that someone cares (Dionne Warwick)
You know, if you're really Psychic, didn't you know the kids would be starving? And you couldn't organize this beforehand? A little preemptive charity? Just use a husky feminine voice here. No one cares if you can sing like Dionne Warwick anyway.
And their lives will be stronger and free (Dionne Warwick/Willie Nelson)
Strangest duet ever. Don't even sing this one. Just take a second to laugh at the silliness of a failed Psychic and a junkie cowboy singing as one.
As God has shown us by turning stone to bread (Willie Nelson)
Do whatever you have to do to get twang in your voice. Watch reruns of Hee Haw. This takes preparation, people. Not just anyone can do Willie. If all else fails, just put on a bandana and mime it.
And so we all must lend a helping hand (Al Jarreau)
Don't know you. Sorry. Take a breather on this one. The big finish is coming, trust me, you'll need your voice.
( REPEAT CHORUS )
We are the world, we are the children (Bruce Springsteen)
Throw on your jean jacket, clinch your fist, get really really pissed at Reagan for using your song in his re-election campaign, and strain your voice to impossible lengths. Then stretch out every time you say "are" to make this one line last like 2 minutes. We arrrrrrrrrre, the world. We arrrrrrrrre, the children. By golly, you've got it!
We are the ones who make a brighter day so let's start giving (Kenny Loggins)
Pretend it was really you flying that plane, instead of Maverick and Goose flying while listening to your tunes. Then use a high pitched man's voice. If you have trouble getting the right pitch, Imagine how you've never had a hit that was on your own album, instead of a movie soundtrack. That oughtta do it.
There's a choice we're making we're saving our own lives (Steve Perry)
Grow out your mullet. Only way to go here. We all know and love Journey. You've impersonated Steve Perry millions of times before. Use it.
It's true we'll make a better day just you and me (Daryl Hall)
You're Tom's favorite singer. Just imagine if you were my favorite singer, and channel that coolness. But don't forget, while your mullet is a little ridiculous, the Oates guy has a porn mustache that distracts everyone from this fact.
When you're down and out there seems no hope at all (Michael Jackson)
See above. Tyson without the lisp. Come on, do it!
But if you just believe there's no way we can fall (Huey Lewis)
Springsteen with movie-star looks. Same strained voice you used for the Boss, only coat it with a life of privelege instead of one of manual labor. It'll be a bit softer. And that's Huey Lewis.
Well, well, well, let's realize that a change can only come (Cyndi Lauper)
Just get in a really odd bizarre place in your mind. Squeal and scream and ramble incoherently. This is the easiest impression of the group.
When we (Kim Carnes)
Husky woman's voice. Easy for us dudes, not so much for the ladies. Give it a try though.
stand together as one (Kim Carnes/Cyndi Lauper/Huey Lewis)
Make sure no one is looking. Then combine almost-Bruce with husky woman voice with pink hair screaming.
(REPEAT CHORUS AND FADE )
(additional ad-lib vox by Bob Dylan, Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, Bruce Springsteen, James Ingram)
For Dylan, well, if you can't do Dylan, there's no hope for you. When Ray Chas comes on, be the coolest you've ever been, use your Stevie impression but instead sing with a deep voice, and you can maybe come close to doing a passable Chas. The rest, see above.
There now, that wasn't so good now was it? Get some pop rocks and a can of Jolt cola, you deserve it.
Leave a comment