Well, I've been to the dentist today for the first time in 2 years. Prior to this little rebellious streak, I'd never missed my 6-month checkup and cleaning. But once I moved to Omaha permanently after graduation, I don't make it home to Iowa during the week when my dentist could see me. So I put off finding one over here forever.
My method for finding a dentist was highly scientific. I opened the yellow pages and looked for the best looking advertisement.
Two of them caught my eye: one was full page, and had a prominent picture of this gray-haired doctor with a mischeivous grin. He reminded me of Dr. Angus from the BK ads.
I love the "Toothy-Toothy" thing too. Good stuff.
But I did not go to this dentist.
Flipping through the 20 pages of ads (who knew there were so many dentists??) I came across one with a nice lady in the ad. Pretty hot actually. I called the number. I got the machine. There's an analogy here somewhere, but I'm missing it.
So I went to the ad next to it. Also had a nice lady in the ad, though not AS hot. Still pretty nice though. Just not supermodeley. I called their number. They sounded thrilled to talk to me, and were unbelievably friendly to me on the phone. Again, there's an analogy here somewhere. I'm dense this morning, I can't find it!
I went to this dentist.
The office is like nothing I've ever seen. Nice, but not like they're trying to impress anyone. Which is good. I don't trust doctor's with offices that are too nice. If they're spending so much time making their office look over-the-top, they're not spending enough time healing their patients. Also they probably charge more.
And the receptionists, the oral assistants (shut up, Beavis, that is what the girls that clean your teeth are called isn't it?), they're all, well, um, top heavy. I had one of those inner monologues that you see often in shows like The Young and the Restless. This is like a softcore porn on Cinemax, I thought. Is my shirt tucked? Just in case it isn't when I come out, I want to know if it is now. You, know, those kind of good wholesome thoughts. These girls were all sisters, had to be. All blonde, all between I'd say 5-7 and 5-11, all tanned and toned. If I was 14, this would be a dream come true.
Even though I'm 26, it was still...hell, I enjoyed it. I'm not lying.
I'm pretty sure the big boobs girls are a business ploy. They asked me to get X-rays of my teeth, which I never do because they're expensive and really don't tell you anything. My teeth and gums either hurt or they don't. I can tell you that without an X-Ray.
I got X-Rays today.
If they had told to rinse with my own blood from a freshly-severed limb, I would have done it. I'm a sucker for blonde big boobs girls -- I'll do anything they say. Its so sad. But yet...no, it's sad. It is. I could never seriously date a Triple-B-G's because they would spend my considerable fortune in no time. I'm pretty sure my checks would just get deposited into the B.B.G.'s account, and I would get an allowance for living expenses. Damn you, 3BG.'s.
So 3BG #1 starts picking at my teeth. Removes the plaque, she said. Right, I've been to the dentist before, I know the routine. Clean, rinse, drool on shirt, polish, rinse, spit up blood, rinse, repeat. Got that one down.
3BG #2 comes in with my X-Rays. She leans over look them over, and the whole drool on shirt routine starts anew. Only without the whole clean, rinse & polish part.
Here's where it gets good.
The dentist comes in. You know, the guy who went to school for eight years so he can come in and look at a freshly cleaned mouth and say, "Looks good!". That guy. He's a just-slightly rotund fella, rock star hair, sunglasses perched on top of his head, wearing jeans and a shirt unbuttoned just enough to show off a tease of meat. The inner monologue starts up again. This guy is a porn star, I say. This office is a front for a studio of quality moviemaking. Has to be. What kind of dentist wears jeans and an unbuttoned shirt, and has sunglasses nestled in his thick lustrous hair? Good lord! This place is up to something.
So of course I made an appointment for my next checkup in 6 months. Of course.
Oh, and I got a free toothbrush, some free toothpaste, and floss. Its like I went to a Dental Hygeiene Parade and the floats all had dentists on them and they threw out toothbrushes and toothpaste to all the little kiddies instead of candy. Wait, wouldn't dentists on parade want your teeth to be rotten so they get more business? Yeah! So they'd throw candy. Scratch this whole paragraph, its nonsense. From the mouths of idiots come nonsense. If you've read my stuff before you know this.