October 2004 Archives

The crowning of a new world champ means the end of baseball for another six months. It saddens me. But if there is a silver lining, its that I won't have to listen to Tim McCarver for another six months either. See, I have a theory: Tim McCarver (FOX, baseball), John Madden (ABC, football) and Bill Walton (ESPN, basketball) are the same guy. I mean, honestly, when have you not been dumber for having listened to any of these guys? Don't get me started on Madden, it won't be pretty. King Obvious.

"When a receiver is coming down inbounds with the ball, one hand equals two feet. Or one butt equals two feet."

"The beauty of the Turducken is its a turkey stuffed inside of a duck stuffed inside of a chicken."

Like I said, don't get me started. The sooner Madden retires, the better.

Well, I've been to the dentist today for the first time in 2 years. Prior to this little rebellious streak, I'd never missed my 6-month checkup and cleaning. But once I moved to Omaha permanently after graduation, I don't make it home to Iowa during the week when my dentist could see me. So I put off finding one over here forever.

My method for finding a dentist was highly scientific. I opened the yellow pages and looked for the best looking advertisement.

Two of them caught my eye: one was full page, and had a prominent picture of this gray-haired doctor with a mischeivous grin. He reminded me of Dr. Angus from the BK ads.

I love the "Toothy-Toothy" thing too. Good stuff.

But I did not go to this dentist.

Over the weekend, I went to "The Haunt" on 73rd & Blondo here in Omaha. Aside from waiting in line with high school kids for an hour (I made sure to talk loudly about going to the bars afterward, just to make the little punks jealous), it was OK.

I mean, most haunted houses are kind of ridiculous. Especially ones in buildings. You know that every room you go into is going to have somebody jumping at you -- so knowing that, how can you be startled? This was pretty decent as far as cheesy haunted houses go. One room, there was a guy with a real live chain saw running after us. I could smell the gas burning, so I knew it was a real saw -- so much to my horror, he slashed my arm. Only then did I realize the chain was taken off. Still, that WAS scary.

Most of the journey, I went around making smart ass comments to the actors. One monster had bloody gloves; I asked him where O.J. was. Another guy was chopping up bodies and putting them in his fridge; I asked him if he learned that from Jeffrey Dahmer. There was one monster eating arms from dead people; I asked him if it tasted like chicken. Bad jokes, sure, but when people are scared, they'll laugh at anything.

So, Saturday I'm in Best Buy, and I notice that all car stereos with MP3 functionality are on sale. The factory radio in my GT, well, it sucks. But I'm not 16 anymore, and I'm not trying to show off to the ladies by having a bitchin' sound system, so I put up with it. Still, dang, it would be nice to not only play MP3's directly from the stereo, but also hook up the iPod into a audio-in port on the front of the stereo.

Proving that I'm still an impetuous shopper like I was 10 years ago in high school, albeit with a heck of a lot more disposable income, I plopped down $300 on a spur-of-the-moment purchase.

Its sweet.

Saturday night, I sat with some friends at Clancy's Bar on Dodge while the Yankees were putting the finishing touches on a 19-8 rout of the Red Sox in Game Three of the ALCS. My brother was wearing a Sox cap -- even though both of us are dyed-in-the-wool Twins fans -- and a stranger asked us the $56,000 question:

Are you really a Red Sox fan, or do you just hate the Yankees?

Of course, my brother and I are two of the biggest Twins fans on the planet, so the short answer to that question is "We just hate the Yankees". This inevitably prompted my best friend Voss to ask "Why"?

Beyond the obvious, like the Yankees being evil and all, I was born hating New York. Yes, they are evil. This is the team that honored a truant with a parade -- a kid who, while skipping school to attend a playoff day game in 1996 against Baltimore, interfered with a fly ball, turning an out into a home run. In any civilized sports city, these fans are beaten with sticks. In New York, they get a parade.

--

Washington, D.C. [FroPress] - Congress today announced that the Office of President of the United States be outsourced to overseas interests as of June 30th, the end of this fiscal year. The move is being made to save $400,000 a year in salary, a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead.

"The cost savings will be quite significant" says Congressman Adam Smith who, with the aid of the GAO (the General Accounting Office) has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We simply can no longer afford this level of outlay and remain competitive in the world stage", Congressman Smith said.

Reader Kristine, my friend from Boston whom I met this summer, dared me to wear a Red Sox hat all week if my Twins lost to the Yankees. Well, the Twins lost. So, Kristine, here ya go, me just before leaving for quarter-wing night/$2 Busch Light at the bar last night:

Makes me sick to sell out my boys like that. Whoring it up because some girl from Boston dared me to do something, well, it happens. More than once. And that's all the further this discussion will go.

"You know what kind of lineup the Yankees have," Silva said. "I know I didn't pitch good in that game, but I have been learning a lot of stuff and I've been working so hard, especially in my bullpen. Like Johan says, 'It's no matter how hard you throw, if you hit your spot you are going to be fine no matter what batter you face.' "

That's why I pick the Twins to win tonight in Game Three. The Chief, Carlos Silva, beats Ol' Creaky Bones Kevin Brown 6-3, setting up the clincher tomorrow afternoon with Johan on the mound. Be afraid, Yankees. Mount Steinbrenner is about to erupt. You bet.

The Chief CARLOS SILVA will get 5 double plays tonight and the Twins will win.

JOE NATHAN leaves the field to hecklers at The Stadium after blowing a 12th inning lead.

7-6 Yankees in 12 innings. We've seen this before.

October. Postseason. Late Innings, Close game. Yankee Stadium.

The opponent never wins these games. It just doesn't happen. The Yankee closer last blew a postseason game like, two Presidents ago.

But the Twins could have won. Should have won. Ugh.

--

This just in from a covert operative in Queens:

Charlie Manson is a big Yankee fan. Many years ago, he got a Yankee tat on his forehead. Years later while in prison he realized the foolishness of his ways. He noticed the Yankee "NY" is similar enough to the Nazi Swastika that the tat could be altered to a less offensive mark. I have a photo of Mr. Manson with the original NY tat, before that oppressive mark was changed to the more socially acceptable Nazi symbol.

As expected, Mr. Santana pitched a great game last night and the Twins won Game One, 2-0. While he was far from his dominent self, it has to be scary to New York that they got shut out on a night when Santana really only had one pitch.

Of course, the New York media is throwing in the towel. The New York Post called this particular team of Yanks "a disgrace to the throne". Ha. Get ready for more, bitches, 'cos my man Brad Radical Radke goes tonight.

THE YANKEES are dejected as the final out is recorded in their 2-0 loss.

Tonight, the battle for Middlewest Earth commences. For the Minnesota Twins have been called out by a team of nine evil wraiths who once were men but became corrupted by rings given to them by the Dark Lord of the East. These foul wraiths intend nothing less than the slaughter of all that is good and decent in the world.

Yes, the very fate of Middlewest Earth is at stake here. The time has come for a team of nine men of courage and valor to hunt some Yankee, and take back the precious.

I pity you, Yankees, facing Johan The Conqueror tonight in Game One. The power of the ring is no match for superior pitching skill.

"Excuse me sir, but I must inform you that you suck royal goat ass. Also, your team sucks donkey. Not so big without your precious, are you? I am Johan! Ya ha haahhahahaha!"

I'm writing this while listening to the theme from "Shaft", which means its officially been a good weekend...

First note, I want to reassure the readers that everything written here is indeed true. There was one instance (the Chicago trip story) where I didn't let the truth get in the way of a good story. It was a minor detail, but I got called out on it, and it was embarrassing. Won't happen again. My bad.