People always ask me, "Chief, what do you listen to on your iPod after more excruciating losses at volleyball?" Here's the answer: Music that's even worse than our team. Certain Old School Country/Western songs rank in the upper 90s on the "Unintentional Comedy Scale". These stopped being funny like, so yesterday. Right around the time 10 zillion redneck comedians started spouting off these titles as bits during their act. I bet those dubious ruffians dont actually have the MP3's of these songs on their iPods. I bet they think an MP3 is a nasty drink you can get at the local watering hole. Actual Bad Country Songs on my 40:
"If My Nose Were Full of Nickels I'd Blow It All On You"
"You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down the Banister of Life"
"I've Been Flushed from the Bathroom of Your Heart"
"If I Had Shot you when I wanted to, I'd be out by now"
and the best on in my whole iPod playlist...
"I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling"
I'm going to take the advice of that last one. Bowling. There's something I haven't done in ages. I bet there's a cornucopia of life living in the finger holes of my bowling ball even. Ten bucks says a cotton swab of the holes, with the resulting biological bounty placed into a petry dish for safe keeping, could fetch bazooka-bubble-gum money. That's like a nickel!
Speaking of nickels, when I was home last time, I was watching TV with my mom. 50 Cent was on the MTV, and she says, "I sure don't like that 5 Cents guy. I hear he got shot like 40 times." 5 cents. She cracks me up.
Actually, 50 was shot 9 times. But that's OK. Either way, he's not flying many places with all those bullets lodged in his torso...
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