Usually when a person claims something is the "worst ever" (or the "best ever", for that matter), its hyperbole. As the immortal Napoleon Dynamite once said, "Yeah, like anyone could know that!" But had Napoleon watched Arkansas Pine-Bluff play on Wednesday night, even he might have admitted that in this case, you can indeed identify the worst team ever.
The Golden Lions played hard and gave a solid effort from start to finish; they just had the unfortunate problem of having what basketball experts call "an extreme lack of discernible talent". They were so bad, this was the first game that I've drank THREE 24oz PBR's -- because I needed that extra 24oz just to make it to the end of the game. Horrible basketball is much more palatable with an extra 24oz of PBR.
I know what you're saying. "Come on now, they couldn't have been that bad!". Well, they were, and I've brought along an old nemesis called "Math" to back me up.
The Golden Lions shot 20.6 percent from the field, a new Qwest Center low. But this does not do their tremendous effort justice. They missed their first 17 shots of the second half, and at that point (the 8-minute mark), their shooting percentage for the game was -- this is not a typo -- 17%. 7 for their first 41 shots went in. The score was 28-16 at the half, and when they finally scored another point on a free throw at the 12:41 mark, it was 47-16. That's a 19-0 run, folks. Better yet, by the time their first field goal went in at the 8:17 mark, it was 56-21.
At the 2 minute warning, the Golden Lions had 29 points. That's right, in 38 minutes of basketball, they managed 29 points. Awesome. A late flurry against the mop-up squad got them 10 points in 2 minutes, and no doubt made the flight back to Arkansas a lot easier to stomach.
Its tough to gauge much of anything against a team this bad, but it looked to me like you couldn't attribute their poor shooting to simply having a bad night. Those weren't open looks they were missing, at least not most of them.
To their credit, this was their fifth consecutive road game to start the season -- they've yet to play a home game -- and the team did not quit. They just were completely out-manned and out-talented by a superior team.
***
Sitting at the game with my brother, we noticed late in the first half that one of the APB players had his shorts on backwards. Apparently, Kris Kross is still "Da Bomb" in Pine Bluff. I'm fairly certain the backwards-pants thing went out when Top 40 radio stopped playing "Jump" twice an hour. But hey, when you lead the team in every statistical category save rebounds for the game, in my book you deserve to be able to wear your shorts backwards. What we wondered is how he tied the drawstring -- does someone else have to do it for him? Or are they the style that comes sans-drawstring? Doesn't it chafe certain nether-regions to wear gym shorts backwards? I need to know these things.
Sadly, his name was Larry. This did not stop us from calling him Kris. The student section noticed the backwards-pants scenario midway through the second half, and started a "Pants-On-Backwards!" chant. Classic stuff.
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At one point in the second half, Creighton had Manny Gakou, Brice Nengsu, and Nick Bahe on the floor together. I commented, "This has to be some kind of record -- they have three guys on the court whose names end in a vowel!"
Nengsu immediately took a pass from Bahe and dribbled it off his foot, out of bounds. My brother turned me and said, "They have four guys on the court who can't dribble."
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I want Manny Gakou to succeed. He was so awful last year, and he couldn't do anything to get out of Dana's doghouse. Maybe its his big-guy awkwardness and seeming lack of athleticism, but like Darko Milicec, you want Manny to play well. And after watching him become the whipping boy of everyone in my row last year, I stood and applauded twice during his epic 3-minute stretch in the second half. Drawing fouls, posting up, and one really decent post move to get an easy layup. The crowd appreciated it as well, and the big guy got a standing ovation when he came out.
His free throws are something to be admired, an artform with no concern for taste, style or quality of execution. I think the finished product can best be described as "launching a missile without locking in on the target". Except the target never moves. He takes the ball with two hands, bends the knees about 1.5 degrees, slams it four times against the court using both hands, then throws it towards the basket. Sometimes it draws iron, sometimes not. Sometimes it bounces and gives the illusion, however brief, that it might actually go in. Sometimes it misses entirely.
His shooting makes one pine for the days of Brody Deren and his obligatory once-per-game-air-ball free throw. On second thought, no it doesn't.
***
My brother is a Northern Iowa grad, so he doesn't watch games through blue-colored glasses like I do. But he appreciates hard work, hustle, and talented players executing a game plan, and cheers loudly when those things transpire. And twice last night, Jays players made post moves that left even his unbiased eye doing a Dickie-V-esque "Awesome, Baby!" routine.
Late in the first half, Dane Watts took a pass from the top of the key, saw an opening on the baseline, and EXPLODED past the defender, ran perhaps 10 feet towards an unguarded rim, and thundered a dunk. That's called playing with a purpose, playing aggressively, and its something not many Jays big men have ever had the athletic ability to do.
Then in the second half, Ty Morrison had the ball on the wing and made a juke move that might have honestly left the defender's jock strap in his place. If I hadn't noticed the backwards shorts before that, you could have probably convinced me that the reason for their backwardsness was that move. I'm serious.
"Who is that guy?" my brother exclaimed as we both stood up to cheer for Mr. Morrison. "That's a big time move. Creighton doesn't get players with that kind of HUGE ability!"
They do now, brother, they do now. To think what Ty might be capable of when he's 100% healthy warms my heart on this cold day. Man alive, you bet it does.
***
Can I mention how much I love the lineup they started? Two guards, a combo forward/guard, a power forward, and a center. To put names with postions, Isacc Miles and Josh Dotzler, Nate Funk, Dane Watts and Anthony Tolliver, respectively.
That's a great starting 5. Then you can bring Nick Porter off the bench as your sixth man. I like it. I like it very much.
***
Finally, a word about Pierce Hibma. I know we affectionately refer to him as "Tweak" both for his amazing resemblance to the character of the same name on South Park, and for his manic sugar-high-like sudden movements like Tweak. "Ahh! Too much pressure!"
You can doubt his athleticism. But don't ever doubt that he earns his minutes. He's the quintessential Dana Altman player: an extraordinarily hard worker who gets an ounce or two more out of his ability than he should, is always in the right place on the court, and doesn't make mistakes. This might be an unpopular thing to say among some fans, but I really think Hibma is a guy that not only earns his minutes, but is an integral part of this team. On a team loaded with scorers, potential scorers and assist machines, he's the role player who helps hold it all together.
***
Now, the Heee-Haw Player Of The Game. The easy thing to do would be to give it to Anthony Tolliver for his 17 points, 11 boards and 2 assists in only 19 minutes. He could have named his point total against Pine Bluff.
But why do the easy thing? Tolliver is supposed to do those things.
I'm giving it to Isacc Miles for his 10 points and 6 assists in 25 minutes, in just his second career start. Playing both in tandem with Dotzler and as his replacement at times (with the game out of reach, Josh played just 15 minutes), he was a big part of the Jays success in this game. The Freshman gets the POTG from me. You bet.
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