Def Leppard Lets Out a Rebel Yell

By
Max Univers
on August 18, 2008 10:44 PM | | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
The Def Leppard Experience can be summed up through four people.

One: Random Binocular Guy. This guy, who was about 45 years old and wearing a ball cap, had a pair of binoculars hanging from his neck. I've been to a LOT of shows, and I've never seen someone bring a pair of binoculars. I mean, even at sporting events the use of binoculars has waned in recent years, but at a rock concert? How in the world can you call yourself adequately prepared to rock with a pair of binoculars around your neck? RBG had an attractive female half his age next to him, and we spent a good portion of the lame ballad section of the show trying to determine whether he actually knew her or just happened to be sitting next to her. My money was on her being his daughter, but who knows?

Two: Extra from a 1970's Mob Movie. Sitting right behind us was a guy in a grey tailored suit, white shirt, and narrow red tie. Throw in a matching grey fedora and Secret Service sunglasses. Now imagine this guy singing along to every song. Every word, each one as stoically sung as the one proceeding it. This guy was actually a little frightening.

Three: The guy who took Joe Elliott's invitation to "Be a member of the band" a little too literally. Sitting across the aisle from us, he had not one, not two but three lovelies with him. He danced wildly to all of the rock songs, and during "Armegeddon It" he unbuttoned his shirt revealing his bare chest to the ladies. Then during "Pour Some Sugar on Me" he took his shirt off and began twirling it over his head. It should be noted that this was the last moment I dared glance in that direction for the remainder of the show.

Four: Chick in Union Jack sleeveless shirt. A few rows in front of us were a group of ladies, several of which were dressed in Def Leppard attire. You know how I feel about wearing the shirt of the band you're seeing to the show -- I abhor it like the plague -- but they were ladies and well, I was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. Until I came to my senses, of course. Ahem.
Continue reading Def Leppard Lets Out a Rebel Yell.

Polyfro in the North Woods

By
Max Univers
on August 13, 2008 12:54 AM | | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
On the list of things you don't see in a big city, somewhere towards the top you might find "wild moose running down the street." Is it moose when its more than one? Mooses? Meese? I don't know pluralities but I do know this: when you see a wild moose running, well, wild, you get the hell out of the way.

I'm not what you'd call an outdoors guy. Among the evidence supporting this claim are several key facts: I don't do camping trips, I don't fish, I don't hunt, and I don't go boating. All of which make me guilty of being the polar opposite from your regular run of the mill Grizzy Adams type. Yet there I was, in the North Woods of Minnesota, just a few scant miles from Canada -- close enough that miles and kilometers were colliding, far enough that I couldn't quite throw a stone from one country to another. If you'll forgive me for using a bad pun, it was a fish out of water story.

Yeesh, I'm not sure I forgive even myself for that one. Ouch.

Needless to say, I was apprehensive about, well, just about everything to do with this trip. But as usual, I can find a way to make good times just about anywhere. Even in the middle of the north woods. After the jump...the trip.
Continue reading Polyfro in the North Woods.

On Fishing, Chicken Pox and Bitterness

By
Max Univers
on August 11, 2008 7:40 AM | | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
I don't remember the precise moment that I last went fishing, partially because it was just that long ago but primarily because it just wasn't that memorable. As a matter of fact, I only have a few fleeting memories involving me and fishing, none of which actually involve me catching anything living.

The best fishing story I have, actually, happened when I was in third grade. My brother and I, along with our dad, were in YMCA's Indian Guides, a parent/child program that took pride in cultivating respect and honor for Native American culture. Every summer, there was a big week-long camping trip where you'd go out and live off the land for a few days. The oldest kids were third graders, and they were like the tribal elders -- they pretty much ran the show when the dads weren't around. It was tradition.

My brother is three years younger than me, and as such he was in kindergarten when I was in third grade. Needless to say, I was really looking forward to that summer's camp because not only would I finally be one of the tribal elders, but my brother would be going along for the first time and I would get to boss him around with no recourse!

Now for some context to the story, so that you can muster up the adequate level of pity for me.
Continue reading On Fishing, Chicken Pox and Bitterness.

At the casino

By
Max Univers
on July 23, 2008 11:12 PM | | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
Wednesday night, my brother was in town for work so we met for a few beers. Eventually we wound up at the casino, because the guys he was in town wanted to go gamble. I enjoyed the cheap beers and didn't gamble...until I'd have enough of the cheap beers that it sounded like a great idea to play blackjack. After a few beers blackjack always sounds like a great idea. This is the problem with putting back a few beers at the casino.

As you know, I'm two weeks into the growth history of my Sad Beard, and its looking pretty spectacular if I do say so myself. But I sat down at a blackjack table next to a dude with a heinously spectacular beard -- I'm guessing it hadn't been trimmed in six months -- and I was immediately put to shame by his sense of Mountain Style. This thing was long, it was curly in parts, gnarled in others...in other words, great stuff in a Grizzly Adams sort of way. We struck up a conversation between hands, and he told me that it had actually been seven months since his last trim.

"My buddy here shaves his off in the summer, but come January his'll be good and long too. He gots two security IDs for work, a summer ID and a winter ID. Oe with his long hair and beard and one with short hair and no beard."

Blink. Blink. Wow, that's unbelievably awesome. TWO security clearance ID's, one for summer and one for winter? I don't know how to continue from this. Oh wait, yes I do.
Continue reading At the casino.

Cabbie Logic is the Greatest

By
Max Univers
on July 22, 2008 1:51 AM |
Saturday night, I went to Playing With Fire, the free Blues concert on the riverfront. I had never been to Lewis & Clark Landing before, and had only a vague idea of where it was. Namely, somewhere behind the Qwest Center. So I took the closest free parking spot I could find, and began walking. And walking. Eight blocks and two pints of sweat later, I could see the stage lights, which was good because I was sweating through my shirt.

Problem: the lights were a rather large embankment and what appeared to be a fence. I had two choices: follow the sidewalk, which wound down the hill in the opposite direction, eventually getting you there -- or run down the grass and make a shortcut. I did the only sensible thing and ran down the hill. Of course I did. And at the bottom of the hill, I jumped a rather tall fence.

Problem: on the other side of the first fence was a set of railroad tracks, and on the other side of that, a taller fence. My running for a shortcut had made my journey twice as long. Nice.

Eventually, I made it inside the park, and the heat, humidity and gratuitous amounts of beer quickly took their toll. Three 16 ounce Coors Lights in an hour of 90 degree heat were followed by a good portion of a pitcher of something unknown at the Dubliner. When 1 am came, I was in no shape to drive, so I hopped into a cab with three ladies and headed to midtown. Of course I did.
Continue reading Cabbie Logic is the Greatest.

The Curse of X2 Strikes Yet Again

By
Max Univers
on July 21, 2008 1:55 AM |
What does it feel like to find out you've been dumped for another dude on Facebook? Its simple, really. Remember the scene in Temple of Doom where the high priest jabs his fist into the man's chest cavity, yanks out his beating heart, and shows it to the still-alive guy before he dies? That's pretty much how it feels.

Imagine getting emails and texts from people offering condolences on breaking up with someone, and this being news to you. Ouch, right? You bet.

Simply put, it sucks. I felt like a urinal full of bloody vomit, and that's only slightly exaggerating. I would have become a temporary recluse were it not for my boys refusing to let me throw a pity party for myself; the next night, Gilby insisted I meet him at the bar for beers. Dick Herculanum joined in, and we drank $2 PBRs until the bar kicked us out at 1am. It sucks to have your heart broken but $2 PBRs with friends help you get over it a lot quicker.

What does this have to do with X2? Back in 2003, this happened. And then in 2006, this happened. Its a curse, I tell you. Now, my brother does not believe in curses, and has at various times over the years tried to force me into watching X-Men 2 to "break the curse". This despite knowing the history, and knowing what horrible things might happen if I were to attempt to watch the movie.

Over the fourth of July weekend, I was in Des Moines visiting my brother, and during the day on Friday while the kids were taking a nap, we decided to watch a movie. He opened up his DVD cabinet and said he felt like watching X-Men 2. I protested.

Me: "I dunno Brother, that's a...a really bad idea. Your DVD player might break or something."

Brother: "You still hung up on that stupid curse? For the last time, there is no such thing! That's it, we're watching it."

And so it was that despite my protests, we watched X-Men 2. Turns out its a good movie, you know? But it didn't take long for the curse to rear its ugly head. That evening while we were at the city park for the fireworks show, I get a strangely worded text message from someone back in Omaha. Four days later, The Facebook Incident happens. Coincidence?

There is no such thing as coincidences when it comes to X-Men 2. This movie has broken my DVD player, caused my DVR to short out, gotten me used by a chick I was on a date with to make her ex-boyfriend jealous (a tactic that ultimately worked), and now caused a girl I really really liked to break up with me for another dude. Its an evil movie, and it will one day rob me of my life precious, of this I have no doubt.

Here's the funny thing:. The last date we went out on involved dining on Indian Food -- meaning I had the Curse of Indian Food AND the Curse of X2 working against me! Yeesh, I had no prayer, did I? Frankly, I'm amazed I still have all of my limbs and that I'm still alive. I was really tempting fate; taunting it, actually. I got what I deserved.

I'm a skeptical person by nature, so I tend not to put much stock in this curse bullshit. But its hard to ignore the signs after a while, even for me. How many bad things can happen in my life as a direct or indirect result of this movie? Don't answer that.

Anyway, I spent a good 10 days being sad and growing a shaggy beard. I'm over the being sad part, I still have the beard, I'm glad to be alive, and I'm never ever ever going to watch X2 or eat Indian Food again. I have no choice. When you're cursed, you're cursed.

You bet.

Impromptu Fourth of July Road Trip

By
Max Univers
on July 7, 2008 7:38 AM | | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
Friday was Independence Day. After enjoying a delicious breakfast at Hy-Vee -- just me and my newspaper -- I was walking back home (its five blocks to Hy-Vee, anyone who would drive that short distance is an incredible D-bag) and my phone rang. Fireworks in Des Moines that night? Cool. Twins game in Minneapolis on Sunday? You bet.

As the walk continued, I saw a guy lining lumber up in his backyard for what looked like a deck. Another driveway had a guy working on a car. A few blocks down, a couple were planting shrubs. That's America, isn't it? Great stuff. Oh, I laughed maniacally at those suckers for working on their day off, don't get me wrong, but still.

You know what else is America? Getting in your car and driving hundreds of miles somewhere, just because you freaking can. A road trip, and an impromptu one at that! You bet.
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Lifting my Personal Embargo on Indian Food

By
Max Univers
on June 30, 2008 11:46 PM | | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
In the spring of 1998, I moved out of my freshman year dorm room, saying goodbye forever to my freshman year roommate. This 4'8" dude was the moodiest, rudest, most anti-social dude I've ever known. He also happened to be from India. We didn't see eye to eye on lots of things, and I'm not talking about religion or politics or foreign policy. I'm talking about personal hygiene, housekeeping and hours of operation. Manners of common human decency.

This dude cooked authentic Indian food in our tiny dorm room just about every night, because the cafeteria usually had non-Indian fare. For a while, this was cool. I love experiencing new culture and new things. But then I discovered two things: one, certain spices are expelled from the body via sweat glands and not the usual digestive process; two, if a person eats foods containing those spices, and goes an entire semester without washing his bedsheets, the smell -- nay, the odor -- becomes overwhelming. There needs to be a better word for "Gross" when you're talking about The Ol' 56er, as I derisively called him. Suffice it to say, this odor made pungent look for a stronger word to describe itself.

So much so that to this day, the very scent of Indian cuisine makes me throw up in my mouth. The scent brings me back to days in 1997 or 1998, the smell of our dorm room, and I throw up in my mouth. Bad times.

I've had a personal embargo on Indian Food for 121 months, or 10 years and 1 month, or over a decade, depending on your preference in timekeeping. But some recent acts of diplomacy have convinced me that the best thing for domestic tranquility is to lift the sanctions, to lift the embargo, and to go eat Indian food at an authentic Indian restaurant.
Continue reading Lifting my Personal Embargo on Indian Food.

The Storm of the Week

By
Max Univers
on June 29, 2008 7:18 PM | | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
In the winter, I don't allow Mother Nature to dictate my social life. Blizzards have never kept me from The Awesomeness. So why would massive wind destruction be any different? It wouldn't. You bet.

***

Friday afternoon, I was wrapping things up for the week when someone yelled out from the other side of the office, "The Tornado sirens are going off!" This prompted me to immediately shut down my computer, silently turn my light off, and attempt to sneak out of the office. The last place I wanted to be trapped at 5 on a Friday was in the office.

Grabbing my bag, I tiptoed around the cubicles, listening for the voice of the office manager so I knew where not to walk. It was like Neo trying to get away from the dude in the suit in The Matrix, only without all the weird dialogue. Amazingly, I managed to make it to the door and out of the building. When I got outside, however, I saw something absolutely terrifying. The clouds to the northwest were 50 feet above the ground. I wish I'd taken a photo, because the sky was three shades of dark gray, with a darker region in the center funneling toward the ground. Unfortunately, my thoughts were occupied with wondering if I had a clean set of boxers in my car.

It was about this time that I had an internal monologue that I don't exactly remember, but it went something like, "Hey, get the hell back inside! You bet!" So I ran back into the building, and steadied myself for the safety lecture that I knew was coming from our office manager for sneaking out. I would take this lecture, because it was better than the certain death that awaited me if I tried to drive into the teeth of that storm.
Continue reading The Storm of the Week.

Designer Moist Towelettes

By
Max Univers
on June 27, 2008 7:04 AM | | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
On Thursday, I spent the better portion of the day at a training session. As anyone who knows me is aware, I struggle to sit still for that long without doing SOMETHING to stay awake. I'm a hands-on guy; watching someone else demonstrate best practices bores me to the verge of sleep. I needed something, anything, to get my mind rolling at 100 MPH. Lucky for me, there was lunch, because inside the plastic tray was a moist toilette.

Now I know what you're saying. You shouldn't use a moist toilette on your face because the chemicals will make you blind, no matter how refreshing it might seem. Well, don't worry, you. I'm talking about the packaging, specifically, the art deco wrapper.

Before you say it out loud and disturb everyone around you with your musings about how I've lost my mind, I'll say it (or type it) for you...
Continue reading Designer Moist Towelettes.
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